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I remember the lowest part in our relationship, for me, very vividly. I think this was the moment I realized I just couldn’t do it anymore, even though I continued to.
I don’t remember what we were fighting about. I was probably holding onto what was already so far gone. We were on the way to Ben’s* house, to smoke* and play video games. You yelled or I yelled, but either way I pulled the car over and got out. It was dark and I walked down the street abandoning both you and my car as if I could actually get somewhere without either of you. I sat on the guard rail and stared straight into the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. I thought about how easy it would be to throw myself in front of it, how easy it would be just to give up and leave all of this heartache behind. I had no emotion. I was numb, all of me felt numb, my body and soul. All I kept thinking was how simple it would be to fall in front of that car. How I wanted to. The thought was almost romantic, beautiful inside my head. I didn’t jump, I could’ve, but I didn’t. I just kept watching as these vehicles kept coming, my chances speeding by at fifty miles an hour. I heard you yelling for me to get in the car. I was numb. I just wanted to feel something.
DO NOT EVER LET YOURSELF GET TO THIS POINT. A relationship should never make you feel so numb. A relationship should never cause this much emotional and mental pain.
We showed up at Ben’s, my eyes were swollen red and I know he knew something was wrong, but he is the type of person to never question any of it. We all sat on the couch together, in the middle of the kitchen, in the big empty house with nothing but ourselves, the dog, and the T.V. I inhaled the hits like they were my dying breathes. I was so high, I was so happy and everything was great again. We played this racing game and for once I was actually good at it. We were all laughing and enjoying ourselves. My body was tingling and warm and my thoughts were simple and pure. I don’t know how long we all sat on that couch together, but eventually we left. I don’t remember anything else about that night, but I’m sure I fell asleep in your arms, wildly in-love like nothing that day had ever been wrong.
*names have been changed
*I do not advocate drugs or drinking, just simply retelling my story
(Source: realtalk-issues)
